Irrefutable Logic

You cant argue with kids' logic. However funny it may sound, however unthinkable it might be to grown-ups before you actually hear them say it, you can't really refute their reasoning.

*

One evening I reached home to find Sid's jacket sleeves all smeared up with something, and asked him about it.

Me: "Ye aapki jacket par kya laga hua hai?"

Sid: "Paint. Maine aaj school mein painting ki."

Me: "To aapne jacket utari kyun nahin? Dekho sari gandi ho gayee."

Sid: "Nahi to phir shirt gandi ho jati na."

*

Sid has so far been a bona-fide momma's boy. Despite all that papa does for him, getting him ready, feeding him, playing with him, and being more patient with him than momma is, time to time, for no reason, he'd state "Papa gande hain", "papa nahin achhe lagte", "momma chahiye, papa nahin chahiye" etc ...

When he stated this yet again one evening, I tried to correct him once more: "Nahin beta, aise nahin kahte sare time. Papa aapka kina dhyan rakhte hain, aapka kaam karte hain, aapki niche lekar jate hain, aapko subah van par chodte hain, shaam ko ghar lekar aate hain ..."

So, Sid, all innocence, asks, "momma phir aap gande ho kya?"

*

Usually, Sid is always going on about growing up big, and growing up fast. But sometimes, once in a rare while, he wants to be cuddled and babied.

Sid: "Mumma mujhke phir se bahut little baby banna hai"

Me: "Aisa to nahin ho sakta, chote thodi hote hain. Aur aapko little kyun banna hai?"

Sid: "Nahin mujhko phir se little banna hai" [kids dont always give a reason, just state the facts as the reason itself :-)]

Me (wistfully): "Beta phir se little to mujhko bhi banna hai"

Sid (in fight mode): "Nahin aapko nahin banna. Mujhe banna hai"

Me: "Par kyun? Mujhe kyun nahin banna?"

Sid: "Phir main kiske pass rahoonga?"

Prejudices at Work - Part 3

(I am changing the title of these posts, as the original one seemed to convey something else than what I wanted to express, though I am not sure if this one is much better).

I think discrimination is nothing but bias exaggerated, and it may be difficult to define a boundary between the two. At times, the discrimination can be stark and direct, and there are laws to deal with it, though the effectiveness of these laws has always been a question. But most often, it is subtler - indirect hints that keep affirming that despite your competence, you will never be considered at par with your male colleagues, that you will never be one of the team. Let me share two incidents, which are work-related, but not entirely professional, which go on to show the inherent behavioral insensitivity towards women.

The global head of the group my friend K works for, came to her site for a visit, and the site manager invited all his managers for dinner with him. That is, all the managers except K, who, being the only woman in the group, was conveniently forgotten. Only when they reached the restaurant, the site manager was reminded of his omission. He called up K (even apologized!), but by then it was too late for her to make suitable arrangements for her family and reach there.

Another time, my group planned a day outing to celebrate a major release. The fun activities planned for the group consisted of rather physical games of football and cricket – which the few ladies in the team just watched on, feeling left-out, and somehow, betrayed.

Most of the corporates today deny having a glass ceiling for women, but practically, is it difficult to detect its existence? Though this was not the idea behind this set of posts, it was perhaps inevitable that we touch upon this point as well (Perhaps because the initial title was not very apt). Anyway, I had a long discussion on this with N, but he does not agree with me here. But in my view, though the gender ratio at the entry level is same as that in engineering colleges, it gets more and more skewed as the levels increase.

In my decade long stint in my previous company, in the India office I saw only one woman who was a Director (though in a non-product group), and none who was an Architect. [Just to explain the terminology used there, a Director is the owner of a product or an area from management perspective, while Architect is the owner from technical perspective]. I am citing here the experience from my previous company, as I am rather new in the new one to comment, but I strongly suspect that the things are more or less the same.

So, almost all the senior executives in the company were male. And rare few of them had working wives. Most of the wives quit working after marriage/kids, to take care of the household, since the high-flying executives were often busy and/or away on business, gearing up the power ladder, and could not be depended on to consistently attend to domestic responsibilities. I’m sure all these ladies are happy and proud of their spouses’ success, and only sometimes do they wistfully mention their own abandoned dreams. But how many of them have their contribution to this success acknowledged? Mostly, it is just shrugged as a matter-of-fact – “Oh. She quit after we got married”. A gallant way indeed to thank the ladies for their support, sacrifice and hard work.

Here are:

Part 1

Part 2

Prejudices at Work - Part 2

I intuitively suspect a man’s general regard for women, if he talks about specific woman(en) in a demeaning manner, to me or in my presence. It is worse when the man in question is a colleague. The worst is when the woman he makes degrading statements about, happens to be his wife – who takes care of the entire family, and may have sacrificed her own career and interests to do so. [I am more tolerant of jokes against women in general. I view them as fun extracted by majority at the expense of minority, as the gender ratio at workplace is still heavily inclined towards men].

Why do I think this kind of behavior makes the matters worse, when exhibited at workplace? Because, I would think that being highly educated, and after years of working alongside women who have similar accomplishments as themselves, these men would be able to cast aside their prejudices. However, things do not seem to have progressed much in the last decade or so, since I started working. Despite active and increasing contribution from women, the IT industry is still male-dominated, and it follows that you will have many more male colleagues than female, and will frequently encounter prejudiced individuals.

After a few times you have heard your colleague(s) making degrading statements, you start wondering what kind of regard they have for women; and specifically if they have any respect for you, on to whether they take you seriously at all. As it is, women have to work harder to prove themselves and attain any kind of success, in a male bastion, and it becomes very difficult to keep yourself motivated, when you feel that your sincere efforts are being undermined, just because of your gender.

Some people I know, do not accord much importance to the work of their wives, implying that it is undertaken just as a pastime - since the ladies are holding a teaching job, or are working part-time or freelance. Even though, many of these ladies have quit their full-time jobs to look after the family. So much for their selflessness. 

Many of them do not want their wives to work, or want them to quit, so that the family can be taken appropriate care of; at times expressing it in blatantly honest terms – so that they always have good, warm, home-cooked lavish meals (of course, without having to contribute any efforts towards the preparation).

I have friends, who, after working hard for a number of years to build up a great career, quit or took a break for some years, to spend time and enjoy with their little ones. Do you think this was what they achieved? The result was – the family figured that since they were home full-time, they had a lot of free time, and they were therefore swamped with all the chores, leaving them little time for what they took the break for.

As progressive they might believe themselves to be, quite a large percentage of the men still believe that devoting themselves to caring for house and family is the duty of women, and it is their primary responsibility. And sadly, many women are also conditioned to believe the same. Don’t get me wrong, I do not have anything against women who prefer to stay home to look after the family [though I firmly believe in the importance of financial independence], but note the emphasis on “preference” here.

The bottom-line is, if you look at it, it is hard to be appreciated either way. Go to work, and you are guilty of neglecting the family. Don’t, and there’s not much worth given to you.  Can we hope for a time, when women have the complete freedom to make their own decisions, without the burden of expectations from everyone around them? And whatever this decision is, be respected for it?


Here is : Part 1

Simple questions - no answers

Its no secret that I am rather fond of old hindi movie songs. After only a few times when an old song was playing on TV, and Sid was told, "yeh mumma ka song hai", he also imbibed this fact. Thereafter, whenever an old song comes up, Sid states, "yeh mumma ka song aa raha hai" (though how he makes a distinction, we have absolutely no idea).

Yesterday evening I was sitting alone in the TV room, and Sid was playing and running about. He came into the room, noticed "Kajrare" playing, only for a moment, and told me, "Ye to aapka song nahin hai!".

I borrowed his favorite phrase, and asked "To kya hua?"
He replied, as a matter-of-fact, "Phir kyun dekh rahe ho?"

***

Sid: This is not your song

Me: So what?

Sid: Then why are you watching it?

Prejudices at Work - Part 1

Gender bias and stereotyping has left me concerned and unnerved quite often, more so in the work environment. It does not mean that I do not see or feel the bias in the social or personal setting – I have gone through phases of realization, frustration, revolt and resignation, in this context. But right now, it’s in the context of professional environment, that I want to rant against.

Let me clarify at the beginning that I am not a hard-core male-bashing feminist [the diametrically opposite stereotype, if I may so call it so]. However, I do expect, and demand, a dignity and empathy for women and a recognition of their efforts in different aspects of life. And this should be a woman’s fundamental right - whether she is working (full-time, part –time, or freelance), or is a home-maker. This is a post that I have been thinking of writing for a long time, but which was always getting deferred, and was finally precipitated by an incident at work today.

I was having lunch with two of my (male) colleagues, let’s call them P and J [and no, this is not a PJ ;-)]. To set a bit of context, they have only been slightly acquainted with each other, but I know them both reasonably well. During the course of conversation, they discovered a mutual interest in consumer electronics, they are both gadget freaks, owning full-fledged home-theater systems and what-not. Finding that J is quite knowledgeable about deeper technical aspects of all these things [no surprises there actually – J is a hardware engineer ;-)], P sought his advise on buying the latest iPhone (4) – which model to buy, and how to get an unlocked one from US (lower cost there). While discussing pros and cons, pricing and timing, of different models, P mentioned that he wanted it for his wife, who only uses her phone for calls, and sometimes for mails (a condescending tone there – at her not using the advanced features of smart phones, and I can assure you that it is not because of the lack fo capability). And J promptly replied – in a tone I found even more condescending to women - then you can buy 3Gs only. 

I am all for buying (and paying for), only what you need/use. But I object to the tone and the attitude, reserved by men for women, for certain matters like technology.

The conversation continued in this vein (like, P said he tried to get his wife to use FB on her phone, but she didn’t, and J said the same about his). For a while, I put up with it. Then I finally reacted (with as much dignity and humor I could manage), and said, you sound almost like a racist there. And then, the fire was directed at me

P/J:, do you use iPhone?

Me: Only some times, since its not mine, but I use iPod touch for net access.

P/J: How many apps do you use on it?

Me: (Thinking and wondering): I don’t really use apps. I don’t need ….

P/J: See, there! Anyway! So, what do you do with it?

Me: (rightfully indignant) Well I do all my net access at home through it, my mail, FB, LinkedIn, Browser etc. Don’t really need to access net for anything else.

P/J: Well, you know, there is a difference between accessing FB and Gmail through the apps and the browser … you can access using browser as well ….

Folks?!! Come on!! I take it as a gross insult, for myself, and the whole of woman-kind. We may be from Venus, but the gravity there is not high enough to pull down and out, all of logical reasoning from our beings. I was mad enough to shout at them, but was held back by the decorum demanded by the workplace (and not to mention, my personal incapability of coming up with an acidic retort at the right time).

Of a copy-cat and sleepy conversations

I dont know whether other kids his age do the same, but Sid is a total copy-cat. He wants to do/get whatever other kid(s) he is playing with has. He is also a human version of a repeater station - echoing the actions and words of the child he is playing with - creating funny scenes more than a few times (and sometimes not-so-funny ones, at least for us).

Since we moved to B'lore, Sid has found a playmate in A, the boy next door, who is a few months older than him; the two create a storm all the time, and are pretty much inseparable. Sunday morning, they were playing together when A had to leave as his parents were going out. First, Sid threw a tantrum that he has no one to play with - "Ab main kiske saath kheloonga" [crying with copious tears]. At such times, he refuses to acknowledge that he has loads of fun doing crazy stuff with us at other times - "main aap dono ke saath nahin khel sakta" [more crying]. After a while, he got into his head, that since A has gone out, he also has to go out - anywhere.

Trying to pacify him, I told him, OK we will also go somewhere. We had to go to the market in the evening, but he had to have lunch and afternoon nap in the meanwhile. Calmer, he started asking when will we go - "ham kabhi kayenge", "ham kahan ja rahe hain". Ok, so, out of the frying pan, and into the fire :-) Trying to think of a way out, I told him that we'll go when papa has taken his bath and is ready, hoping he'll get busy with something else and forget it. After few minutes, Sid cheered up and started playing, and I heaved a sigh of relief that my trick had worked. But as soon as N was out of the bathroom, the questions started again, "ham ja kyun nahin rahe" - so much for my smartness!

With much difficulty we managed to get him to have his lunch, telling him that we would leave after lunch. And then tried putting him to sleep, promising that we will go after he wakes up. Anyone who has kids would know what I am talking of; anyone who hasn't, can't imagine the challenge :-)

Anyway, he always resists sleeping (as most kids do!), even if he is literally dozing standing up, and on this particular day, he had an alternate agenda. When he gets quiet sleepy, he gets rather confused, gaining hold of conciousness in bursts in between, resulting in some amusing conversations.
"mujhe nahin sona" 

"acchha mat so, bas let jao"
"main to nahin so-oonga"
"acchha eyes close karke let jao"
"Ham kabhi jayenge"
"Abhi 10 minutes mein jayenge. 10 minutes ke liye eyes close kar lo"
"mujhe neend nahin aa rahi"
"main theek se nahin let pa raha"
"mujhe kahin jana hai"
"mujhe poora blanket ke andar kar do"
"ham ja kyun nahin rahe"

We can barely control our laughter at the flip-flop, when all of a sudden he gets alert and says, "mere pet mein bahut zor dard ho raha hai". I get slightly alarmed (as he had had a slight upset the previous day, and had thrown up his evening milk, along with the lunch and snack he had earlier), but I'm not sure there is actually anything wrong, so casually ask him, "potty to nahin aayee?".
"nahin uske liye nahi ho raha. potty nahin aa rahi"
"To phir kis liye dard ho raha hai"
"Ham kahin gaye nahin uske liye ho raha hai"

Hats I win, tails you lose!

As I mentioned earlier, Sid is under an (obviously mistaken, from our perspective) impression that he has grown up "big" and can accomplish a lot.

One day, as he was on a swing (with me pushing him), he started leaning fully backwards, and doing all sorts of acrobatics.

I cautioned him, "Aap gir jaoge"

Sid: "Main nahin giroonga. Main aise kar pata hoon, main big ho gaya hoon"

(pointing to some younger children): "Woh to aise kar bhi nahin pate. Woh itne big hue bhi nahin hain"

Me: "OK, aap big ho gaye ho na, apne aap jhool lo" (stop pushing him)

Sid: "Nahin abhi main itna bhi big nahin hoon!"

*** *** ***
Me: You will fall down
Sid: I wont fall. I can do this, I've grown up! They cant even do this, they are not as big as I am
Me: Ok, so you are big, you can swing yourself
Sid: No, I am not that big yet!
*** *** ***

These days, whatever we tell him, he has a ready response. And its always like, hats I win, tails you lose!